<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>¡no pasa nada! by andtheny</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30089985">¡no pasa nada!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny'>andtheny</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Five is a problem solver [21]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Brotherhood, Communication, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Misunderstandings, POV Multiple, Parenthood, Protectiveness, Uncle-Nephew Relationship, sensitive topics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:27:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30089985</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I think we're finally getting the hang of this." </p><p>"Adulting?" Klaus said. </p><p>"No," Luther said. "Parenthood." </p><p>"Gross," Diego said. "We're not parents." </p><p>"We're uncles," Klaus said. "Just a bunch of uncles." </p><p>"Either way," Luther said. "I'm glad I have you both with me. As, um, as co-uncles."</p><p>___________________</p><p>Or, Klaus, Diego, and Luther are unofficially in charge of raising Ben and Baby Five.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Hargreeves Family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Five is a problem solver [21]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>¡no pasa nada!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."</em><br/>
<em>-Marie Curie</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Like Baby Five, the younger version of Ben was easy to tease. He had less patience than his older alternate universe ghost self, so messing with him was endlessly<em> hilarious.  </em></p><p>"You're<em> wrong," </em>Ben said. "Mr. Darcy was a gentleman. He was just too shy and-" </p><p>"Nope," Klaus said. "That dude was a chauvinist." </p><p>"No," Ben said. "He <em> wasn't."  </em></p><p>Ben was trying to stay calm, but he was already breaking. The poor kid was biting the inside of his cheek, glaring and frothing at the mouth like a bull getting ready for a fight. </p><p>"Was too," Klaus chirped. "And also? He was a misogynist." </p><p>"Fuck you!" Ben said. "No he wasn't!" </p><p>Klaus grinned. "Was too."</p><p>Ben punched him in the shoulder. </p><p><em> Why do they always go for the shoulder? </em> Klaus thought. <em> I have abs on my shoulder blades by now.  </em></p><p>"Wooow," Klaus said. "That attack was super <em> in</em>effective. I lost zero HP." </p><p>"Fuck you!" Ben shouted. </p><p>Like the helicopter parent that he was, Diego barreled into the living room.</p><p><em> "Hey," </em>Diego said. "The hell is going on?" </p><p>"Ben is throwing another tantrum," Klaus said. </p><p>"Fuck off!" Ben said. "I don't have to take this!" </p><p>"Is this a code blue?" Diego said. </p><p><em> "Fuck you," </em> Ben growled. "I'm not a fucking bomb." </p><p>"I beg to differ," Klaus said. "The entire attic was destroyed when you-"</p><p>"Shut up," Ben said. "I'm gonna… I hereby decide to, uh, to quarantine myself." </p><p>"Are you sure?" Diego said. "Do you want, like, company? We could spar. Or I can-" </p><p>"Fuck off," Ben muttered. "Leave me alone." </p><p>Like the sulky little teenager that he was, Ben slinked out of the room. </p><p>Klaus squinted and Diego, who was as tense as a cop and twice as trigger happy. </p><p>Diego, for his part, pointedly mimed a silent and insistent <em> 'shhh!' </em>by placing a single finger over his lips. </p><p>Klaus sighed and nodded. </p><p>They both listened for an explosion. The Horror was always super fucking loud, but sometimes it was hard to pick up if Ben got far enough away before he went off. </p><p>Usually, Ben would try to let it out in the training room. And that place had sound proofing to boot, so maybe there was no point in listening. </p><p>Klaus groaned. "I'm already <em> bored."  </em></p><p>"Shhh!" Diego was a freaking bloodhound waiting for action. </p><p>"He's not as sensitive as you think he is," Klaus said. "You make it worse when you overreact." </p><p>Diego huffed. "Why are you still talking, dumbass?" </p><p>"Why are you still breathing, asshole?" Klaus retorted.</p><p>Then he puffed out his chest. Pretending to be a gorilla, Klaus dramatically thumped his fists against his pecks and added, "Wanna dance?" </p><p>"Fuck that," Diego said. "Look, I need to <em> talk </em> to you. Can we go somewhere?" </p><p>"Depends," Klaus said. "Is this a bro date or a family meeting?" </p><p>"A family meeting," Diego said. "Potential code blue." </p><p>"Why are you always code blue-ing?" Klaus said. "You need to <em> relax."  </em></p><p>"Look," Diego said. "Mom is freaking out." </p><p>"That so?" Klaus said. "Cause I just saw her, like, an hour ago? And she was happily making this fancy casserole thingy for tomorrow?" </p><p>"She over cooks when she's anxious," Diego said. "She might be having a code blue." </p><p>"Uh huh," Klaus said. "Wanna know what I think?" </p><p>"No fucking thanks," Diego said. </p><p>"I think you're paranoid," Klaus said. </p><p><em> "No," </em> Diego said. "Luther said that Mom is probably-" </p><p>"I'm gonna stop you right there," Klaus said. "If <em> Luther </em> is worried why are <em> you </em>telling me?" </p><p>Diego threw his hands up into the air and yelled, "Cause Luther's a pussy!" </p><p>Then Diego winced and straightened up, glancing around like a conspiracy theorist looking for hidden microphones. </p><p><em> Wouldn't be a stretch, </em> Klaus thought. <em> There </em> <b> <em>are </em> </b> <em> hidden cameras all over the place.  </em></p><p>Diego sighed. </p><p>"Oh well," Klaus said. "You're not wrong." </p><p>"Just help me out," Diego said. "Please? C'mon. This is <em> important."  </em></p><p>Klaus pursued his lips. "You're saying… I alone can help you?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em> Diego said. "You're talented and sexy and the best brother. Is that what you needed to hear?" </p><p>Klaus smirked. "Yes sir. That's how I know this is a <em>real</em> code blue." </p><p>"Jackass," Diego muttered. </p><p>"Now tell me you love me," Klaus said. "Only then will I graciously offer you my unique skills." </p><p>"I fucking love you, dickwad," Diego said. </p><p>"I love you too, tsundere!" Klaus said. </p><p>"The hell is a tsundere?" Diego said. "Fuck it. Doesn't matter. Just… get your fucking shoes on. Hurry up. Let's <em> go."  </em></p><p>"Aye aye, captain!" </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"That's <em> it?" </em>Diego said. "Are you kidding?" </p><p>"I'm not kidding," Klaus said. "That single word is all it took." </p><p>"So you're telling me," Diego said. "That Five googled 'homosexal' and then decided every pirate is a pervert?" </p><p>"Yup," Klaus said. "And then I had to give him the inclusion and respect talk." </p><p>"But he already knew you were gay?" Diego said. "He was even happy about the gay marriage thing. He said it was <em> good </em>that you can marry whoever you want to marry." </p><p>"I'm not gay," Klaus said. "But I'mma table that fight for another day." </p><p>"Shit," Diego said. "I forgot you're bisexual… uh, sorry?" </p><p>"You're close," Klaus said. "But whatever. The thing is... Five didn't know married people were having <em> sex."  </em></p><p>"Are you shitting me?" Diego said. "Goddamn." </p><p>"I am not shitting you, sir," Klaus said. "Baby Five is a prodigy, but he's also a thirteen year old."</p><p>"I'm noticing that," Diego said. "Fuck me."</p><p>"So then I had to give him the whole run down," Klaus said. "All the LGBT letters. I even had to explain heterosexuality. Like… straight up birds and the bees." </p><p>"Damn… sounds awkward," Diego said. "But good, I guess? Is he… like, does he still hate pirates?" </p><p>"Nah, he got over it," Klaus said. "We saw Pirates of the Caribbean and then he-" </p><p>"Wait," Diego said. "I have to tell you something else." </p><p>"Then tell me?" Klaus said. </p><p>"Don't flip out," Diego said. "Luther thinks Mom overreacted." </p><p>"Okaaaay," Klaus said. "What did she overreact to?" </p><p>"Before I tell you," Diego said. "We need ground rules." </p><p>"Ominous," Klaus said. "I feel like you're about to spank me?" </p><p>"This is no time for jokes!" Diego said. "It's code blue!" </p><p>"Understood, sir," Klaus said. "Tell me the fucking secret." </p><p>"You can't tell anyone else about this," Diego said. "This is between you, me, and Luther. And sort of Mom, but you know how she is." </p><p>"Gotcha," Klaus said. "I'll put it in the Batcave." </p><p>"I'm being <em> serious," </em>Diego said. </p><p>"Excuse you," Klaus said. "The Batcave is high level security clearance only." </p><p>"It better fucking be," Diego said. "If you tell <em> anyone </em>about this... I'll kill you." </p><p>"Got it," Klaus said. "I shall stake my life on this information." </p><p>"So… don't freak out," Diego said. </p><p>"If you don't tell me the secret right fucking now," Klaus said. "I will stab myself in the stomach like a samurai." </p><p>"Mom is paranoid," Diego said. "She thinks it's weird that Five is so grossed out by sex." </p><p>"Is that all?" Klaus said. "I'll tell her it's normal." </p><p>"No," Diego said. "There's more to it." </p><p>"Then <em> tell me."  </em></p><p>"He's also weird about hugs," Diego said. "He won't let her hug him." </p><p>"That doesn't surprise me," Klaus said. "It's 'cause he's a stoic little man."</p><p>"You think so?" Diego said. "Like… he just gets embarrassed?" </p><p>"Yeah," Klaus said. "So, what, did she get offended? Tell her Five is a kitten, so she just-" </p><p>"She thinks he was… t-touched." </p><p>Klaus frowned. </p><p>"In a sexual way," Diego said. "By a fucking piece of garbage-"</p><p>"Who the fuck would have done that?" Klaus said. "No. That's not true."  </p><p>"Luther thinks she's malfunctioning," Diego said. "Like… he thinks she's <em> crazy."  </em></p><p>"Damn," Klaus said. "Um… maybe?" </p><p>"Here's the thing though," Diego said. "Maybe Mom is onto something." </p><p>"Oh my god," Klaus said. "You're <em> paranoid."  </em></p><p>"We have to protect him!" </p><p>"From <em> what?" </em> Klaus said. "The goddamn boogie man?"</p><p>"Maybe it was Dad," Diego said. "Maybe that son of a bitch-" </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "Dad was a prude. He didn't even want to touch <em> Mom."  </em></p><p>"Maybe he was a pedophile!" Diego said. "Maybe he liked Five? And now Five is traumatized and he doesn't trust Mom to hug him!" </p><p>"Stop it," Klaus said. "You're just imagining the worst case scenario and-" </p><p>"But it's <em> possible," </em>Diego said. "It's possible!" </p><p>"Calm down and-" </p><p>"Fuck you!" Diego said. "I <em> am </em>calm." </p><p>"What was I thinking?" Klaus said. "Clearly, you're as calm as the sky is blue." </p><p>"Listen to me you piece of shit," Diego growled. "You're the only adult in this family who has any experience with… with pedophiles." </p><p>Klaus blinked. </p><p>"And don't try to deny it," Diego said. "I <em> listen </em>to your fucking stand up jokes." </p><p>Klaus rolled his eyes. "I <em> exaggerated."  </em></p><p>"Sure you did," Diego said. "Just tell me! Is Five okay? Can you tell? Like, is there a way you can double check?" </p><p>"I don't understand your bullshit?" Klaus said. "You think I've got a built in trauma detector?"  </p><p>In that moment, the look on Diego's face was classic tsundere. He looked like a pissed off crybaby, barely holding back his tears. </p><p>"Goddammit," Diego said. "Never fucking mind. Forget it." </p><p>"Now listen here," Klaus said. "I fucking love you, okay? And I love Five. I love everyone! But you need to understand something." </p><p>Diego groaned. </p><p>"Sex is a tricky thing," Klaus said. "Luther's already fucked up in the head as it is. I think it's because Dad was such a tyrannical puritan." </p><p>"So what?" Diego said. "Luther finally lost his virginity. He's fine." </p><p>"He's <em> not </em>fine," Klaus said. </p><p>"Luther is an <em> adult," </em> Diego said. "We have to take care of <em> Five."  </em></p><p>"Excuse you," Klaus said. "We've gotta take care of everyone." </p><p>"Everyone in New York, at least," Diego muttered. </p><p><em> So passive aggressive, </em>Klaus thought. </p><p>Klaus playfully pouted. "You don't wanna take care of Allison and Old Five?" </p><p>"Shut up," Diego said. "You know what I mean."</p><p>"Okay, whatever," Klaus said. "I see where you're coming from. You want me to talk to Five, right? Fine. I'll do it." </p><p><em> "Thank you," </em>Diego said. </p><p>Klaus grinned. "You are very welcome, sir."</p><p>"What do you want in exchange?" Diego said.  "Just name it. I'll do it." </p><p>"Exsqueeze me?" Klaus said. </p><p>"For real," Diego said. "Whatever you want." </p><p>Klaus shrugged. "Alrighty. I want cuddles." </p><p>Diego frowned. "No. I'm being serious." </p><p>"So am I, sir." Klaus smirked and wagged a finger at him. "You've shirked your cuddle duties, mon frère." </p><p>"Really?" Diego avoided eye contact. "Sorry?" </p><p><em> This poor man needs more hugs in his life, </em> Klaus thought. <em> Lucky for him, I'm a goddamn hero.  </em></p><p>Klaus made a big show of opening his arms. "I demand a before <em> and </em>an after hug." </p><p>Diego squinted at him warily.</p><p>"Greedy son of a bitch," Diego grumbled. "You better talk to Five. <em> Actually </em>talk to him." </p><p>"I won't let ya down," Klaus said. "Now c'mere. Charge my batteries before I go into battle, eh?" </p><p>Abruptly, roughly, firmly, Diego threw himself into the hug with all the enthusiasm of a manly pro wrestler. </p><p>He squeezed too tightly, like those guys who were always trying to prove their masculinity with ridiculously firm handshakes. </p><p><em> But I'm a gracious brother, </em> Klaus thought. <em> So I guess I'll hold my fucking breath.  </em></p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>It was tricky getting Five alone in a room. That boy flitted from sibling to sibling like a bee to flowers and Ben was usually hot on his heels, these days. </p><p><em> Ben is getting way too possessive, </em> Klaus thought. <em> We’re gonna need to have a jealousy talk or something… but one problem at a time. Fuck.  </em></p><p>In the end, Diego had to bribe Ben out of the house. Klaus could only guess what the bribe was, but it must have been something Five wouldn’t like. Otherwise, Ben <em> definitely </em>would have wanted to invite him. </p><p>Meanwhile, Luther and Mom pretended they had to go out and run some errands. </p><p>With the coast clear, Klaus searched for everyone’s favorite thirteen year old. </p><p>The security cameras made it easy to find him. Five was in the kitchen. Klaus casually whistled as he approached the room. It was a new habit, a way of warning Five - ahead of time - that he was in for some Klaus time.</p><p>It was also a way of checking whether or not Five was in ninja mode. If Five teleported away as soon as he heard whistling: ninja mode. If he stayed in the room: all was well. </p><p>Today, Five remained in the kitchen and kept his eyes on the microwave. He was heating something up. </p><p>“Heeeey,” Klaus said. “Whatcha up to, champ?” </p><p>Five turned to glare at him. “Don’t call me ‘champ’ you moron. I’m not your champ.” </p><p>“You got it, buckaroo.” </p><p>“You’re an asshole,” Five huffed. </p><p>“Nah, I’m a teddy bear,” Klaus said. “And I love you! So how about this: pick your favorite nicknames. Make a list of nicknames and I’ll only use the ones you like.” </p><p>“Fuck off,” Five said. </p><p>The microwave dinged and Five yanked the little door open to reveal a grilled cheese sandwich. </p><p>“That looks scrumptious,” Klaus said. “You make that yourself?” </p><p>“Shut up,” Five said. “It’s healthy.” </p><p>Five grabbed the sandwich and took a huge bite. Full on chipmunk cheeks. It looked like he was relishing it. </p><p><em> Fucking cute! </em>Klaus thought. </p><p>“Didn’t say it was unhealthy,” Klaus said. “Hey, can you make me one too?” </p><p>Five chewed for a minute, then swallowed and said, “Do I look like your mother, jackass?” </p><p>“Yes you do, sir!” Klaus said. “But you’re twice as pretty.” </p><p>“Fuck you,” Five said. “Leave me alone.” </p><p>“I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Klaus made a show of glancing around and lowering his voice. “You see… I’m on a mission.” </p><p><em> That </em>got Five’s attention. He straightened up with a grin and said, “That so? You inviting me?” </p><p>“I am!” Klaus said. “And if you help me… we can save the family. Together.” </p><p>Five blinked. “The family?” </p><p>“Yessir,” Klaus said. “This is a code blue.” </p><p>“The <em> fuck,” </em> Five said. “Is Ben freaking out? I saw him earlier today! He looked <em> normal.”  </em></p><p>“Not that kind of code blue,” Klaus said. “Ben is fine. <em> Mom </em>is glitching.” </p><p>“Fuck!” Five said. “Who broke her?” </p><p>“Calm down,” Klaus said. “She’s not broken. She’s just, um, she’s <em> slightly </em>confused.” </p><p>Five looked relieved. “Oh. Okay, so… did she have another mix up?” </p><p>“A mix up?” Klaus said. “What’s that?” </p><p>“Mom gets confused all the time,” Five said. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, okay? But… like... she’s getting senile.” </p><p>“Oh,” Klaus said. “That’s a fair assessment, sir.” </p><p>“I’m not trying to be mean,” Five said. “Don’t tell Vanya I’m bullying Mom, alright? I’m <em> not.”  </em></p><p>“I don’t think you’re being mean,” Klaus said. “In fact? I agree with you. She <em> does </em>get confused all the time.” </p><p>“Right?” Five said. “But… um… like… fuck.” </p><p>“We’re alone in the house today,” Klaus said. “I double checked, so don’t worry.”</p><p>Five squinted at him. “You just saying that?”</p><p>“I’m being completely and totally honest,” Klaus said. “Mom and Luther are doing errands. Diego and Ben are on a bro date. Also, I removed all the microphones.” </p><p>“Don’t be sarcastic,” Five said. “I’m trying to… <em>look. </em>This is for your ears only.” </p><p>Klaus saluted. “Heard.” </p><p>“This is <em> important,” </em>Five said. “I probably can’t say this here. In the house. It’s not safe.” </p><p>“Not safe?” Klaus said. “Why wouldn’t it be safe?” </p><p>“Because people are always eavesdropping,” Five said. “We can’t risk it.” </p><p>“I was being literal,” Klaus said. “when I told you no one was home.” </p><p>“But you were also being sarcastic,” Five said. “We don’t have any microphones. But the microphones are, um, are figurative?” </p><p>“Exactly,” Klaus said. “Therefore... we are safe. You can say what you need to say.” </p><p>“You can’t tell anyone,” Five said. “This is a <em> secret. </em>So you… actually, no. You’ve already proven yourself untrustworthy. You’re always gossiping.” </p><p>Klaus frowned. “Okay… what if we travel to the Batcave?” </p><p>Five tilted his head. “Is that a new game?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Klaus said. “But it’s more than a game. It’s, um, it’s a new code word. When you have an important secret that I’m not allowed to tell anyone? Tell me you need me to be in Batman mode.” </p><p>“You can’t be Batman,” Five said. “Five Senior thinks <em> Diego </em>is Batman. You’ll confuse him if you try to steal Diego’s title.” </p><p><em> Too much to fucking unpack with that, </em> Klaus thought. <em> Time for a short cut. </em></p><p>“Diego invented the Batcave,” Klaus said. “I’m not acting like Batman… um, I’m Robin?” </p><p>Five frowned at his sandwich. He picked it up, squinted at it thoughtfully, then put it back down. </p><p>“Sorry, am I making it hard for you to eat?” Klaus said. “Old Five doesn’t like it when I talk too much while he’s trying to eat. And, like, I’m not accusing you of being like him, but… um… you want a recess?” </p><p>Five sighed. “I don’t want a recess. I’m going to put my food back in the microwave and I’ll eat when we’re done with our meeting.” </p><p>“Okie dokie,” Klaus said. “Sorry to interrupt.” </p><p>Five put his meal in the microwave and harshly slammed the door shut.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry,” Five growled. “Goddammit… you said you double checked? Can we triple check?” </p><p>“Triple check… what?” Klaus said. </p><p>“That no one else is home,” Five said. “This is a secret that’s just for <em> you.”  </em></p><p>“Aaaaw,” Klaus said. “What an honor!” </p><p>“Fuck off,” Five said. “Just stay here. I’m going to search the perimeter.” </p><p>“You’re a detective today?” Klaus said. </p><p>“I’m not playing,” Five said. “I’m going to literally search the perimeter for eavesdroppers.” </p><p>“Well alright,” Klaus said. “You want me to search too or nah?” </p><p>“I want you on standby,” Five said. “Stay here in the kitchen. Don’t you dare leave this spot.” </p><p>Klaus chuckled. “Understood.” </p><p>“I’ll be right back,” Five said. “Don’t fucking leave.” </p><p>“I said I wouldn’t,” Klaus said. “I’ll say it again: I will stay here in the kitchen until you return.” </p><p>“Thank god,” Five said. “We’re finally on the same fucking page.” </p><p>Klaus blinked. </p><p>Without another word, Five disappeared. </p><p>Klaus shrugged and decided to make a sandwich. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The fact that Five had to <em> walk </em>back into the kitchen was a bad sign. It meant he'd already used up all his energy. </p><p>And he looked nervous. Stressed out, even. </p><p>With careful cheer, Klaus showed off his creation. It was a plate stacked with sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly, flutter nutter with all the marshmallows, another grilled cheese, and a turkey bacon sandwich.</p><p>Five frowned at the food. "What's all this for?"</p><p>Klaus cleared his throat and proudly announced, "I have a plan!"</p><p>Five chuckled nervously. "Okay?" </p><p>“Here it is,” Klaus said. “We’re going to pause our meeting. We’re both going to eat. <em> Then </em>we can get down to business.” </p><p>Five smiled. “Awesome.” </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“So I’m not calling Mom dumb,” Five said. “She’s just a little more easily mixed up… I mean, everyone has mix ups, but Mom has more than most people?” </p><p>“Makes sense,” Klaus said. “It’s because she’s a robot?” </p><p>“That’s my theory,” Five said. “But don’t tell Diego. He’ll get offended.” </p><p>“We’re still in the Batcave,” Klaus said. “I will guard this information with my life.” </p><p>“Don’t guard it with your life,” Five said. “I know you accidentally slip up sometimes. If you mess up I don't want you to debase yourself, alright? It's not that serious." </p><p>"You're speaking Greek, honey," Klaus said. "I have no idea what the heck you mean?" </p><p>"Sorry," Five said. "Um, I mean… don't whip yourself if you forget to guard the secret." </p><p>Klaus grinned. "Aw! You're worried about me?" </p><p>Five scowled. "That's not what I said." </p><p>"But it's what you <em> meant," </em>Klaus said. "Fivey! You love me?" </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "Nope. I hate your guts." </p><p>"You're so cute!" </p><p>"Fuck off!" </p><p>"You're adorable!"</p><p>"Fuck you!" Five smacked Klaus upside the head. </p><p>That was always a sign that he'd crossed some kind of line, so Klaus shrugged it off. </p><p>"I am terribly sorry," Klaus said. "I love you. Will you forgive me?" </p><p>"Fine," Five said. "But only because we're not done with the meeting." </p><p>"Generous as ever," Klaus said. "What's our next order of business?" </p><p>"We need to solve Mom's mix up for her," Five said. "So why is she code blue-ing?" </p><p>"That's easy," Klaus said. "It's about your pirate phobia." </p><p>"The hell?" Five said. "We already fixed that." </p><p>"I know it," Klaus said. "But… uh, Mom is kind of protective, you know?" </p><p>"So what?" </p><p>"She thinks you're scared of sex," Klaus said. "So… are you?" </p><p>Five raised an eyebrow. "Why would I be scared?" </p><p>"I dunno, buddy," Klaus said. "You were being really judgy on those poor pirates." </p><p>"That was just a mix up," Five said. "You fixed it for me." </p><p>"Ooooh," Klaus said. "That's what you meant when you said everyone has mix ups?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em>Five said. "Everyone. I'm not stupid and Mom isn't either!" </p><p>"You're absolutely right," Klaus said. "No one in this family is stupid." </p><p>Five smirked. "I didn't say <em> that."  </em></p><p>Klaus laughed. </p><p>"Anyway," Five said. "Let's get to the bottom of this. I didn't mean to scare Mom, but… it looks like I did?" </p><p>"No, she thinks <em> you're </em>scared," Klaus said. </p><p>"I fucking heard you," Five said. "But Mom is the type that gets scared when she thinks <em> we're </em> scared." </p><p>"Oh," Klaus said. "Huh… you're a genius." </p><p>"I know it," Five said. "But I'm not a mind reader. You have to help me untangle her logic." </p><p>"Untangle it?" </p><p>"We have to retrace her footsteps," Five said. "Figuratively, I should say." </p><p>"Oh!" Klaus said. "I get you. Okay, so, the reason Mom is worried about you… um, she thinks you were molested." </p><p>"The fuck?" Five said. "That's wrong." </p><p>"Yeah?" Klaus said. "Do you know what molestation is?" </p><p>"Of course I do," Five said. </p><p>"Great," Klaus said. "But… <em> I </em> have no idea. Can you explain it to me?" </p><p>"Are you pulling my leg?" Five said. "You're the sex expert. You're supposed to know all the sex stuff." </p><p>"I'm not an expert," Klaus said. "I <em> think </em>I know what it means to be molested, but… Diego made me doubt myself." </p><p>"Dammit," Five said. "Diego is always confusing everyone." </p><p>"Cause he's a helicopter," Klaus said. </p><p>Five giggled. "The biggest robo-cop!" </p><p>"He's defcon five," Klaus said. </p><p>Five laughed more loudly at that joke than he ever had at anything else. </p><p><em> I'm the best uncle in the family, </em> Klaus thought, beaming proudly. <em> I deserve a fucking trophy! </em></p><p>Klaus allowed himself to laugh with Five and the manic energy multiplied between them. Whenever Five was starting to calm down, Klaus would giggle even <em> more </em>and that would set Five off again.</p><p>Then vice versa. </p><p>So then they got trapped in a vicious cycle of giggles. </p><p>And it was the best thing <em> ever.  </em></p><p>But, eventually, they had to get back to business. </p><p>Five carefully cleared his throat and said. "Recess over." </p><p>"Aye aye," Klaus said. "Requesting a history lesson?" </p><p>"I don't know that game," Five said. </p><p>"History is probably the wrong word," Klaus said. "Um… English grammar?" </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "You need me to explain what 'molestation' means?" </p><p>"Yes please," Klaus said. "If you would be so kind." </p><p>"No problem," Five said. "It's like rape, but not as bad." </p><p>"Okay," Klaus said. "Why is it less bad?" </p><p>"Because it's above the waist?" Five said. "Um, but I probably need to do more research." </p><p>"Can I help?" Klaus said. "With your research?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Research is a solitary endeavor." </p><p>"That's fair, I guess," Klaus said. "So listen... Mom thinks you might have been raped." </p><p>"Oh!" Five said. "I can fix that. I'll tell her I've been very careful not to touch any women." </p><p>"Please don't tell her that," Klaus said. "You'll confuse her." </p><p>"You think so?" Five said. </p><p>"I know so," Klaus said. "In fact… you confused <em> me."  </em></p><p>"Shit," Five said. "Sorry." </p><p>"Let me ask you a question," Klaus said. </p><p>"Goddammit," Five said. "I'm not crazy." </p><p>"Didn't say you were," Klaus said. "I just… what do you think 'rape' means?" </p><p>"It's one of those stupid words," Five said. "A word that means ten different things." </p><p>"What?" Klaus said. "No, it only means one thing." </p><p>"You don't spend enough time online," Five said. "People are always arguing about it online. They can't agree on a meaning." </p><p>"What about the dictionary?" Klaus said. "Do you know the dictionary definition?" </p><p>"Of fucking course," Five said. "Rape is unlawful sexual intercourse. In the dictionary." </p><p>"Great!" Klaus said. "So… did anyone unlawfully have any type of sex with you?" </p><p><em> "No," </em>Five said. </p><p>"Above the waist counts too," Klaus said. "Did anyone, man or woman, try to… um… to touch you in a sexual way?" </p><p>"I know how to behave myself," Five said. "I know I'm not allowed to have sex." </p><p>"Wow," Klaus said. "That's… um, that's good? But sometimes people do things… and, uh, it's not your fault. It has nothing to do with <em> your </em>behavior." </p><p>"Factually incorrect," Five said. </p><p>"How so?" Klaus said. </p><p>"According to the <em> law," </em>Five said. "If I decide I want to have sex with someone, I'm raping them." </p><p>"What?" Klaus said. "You mean… like… consensual sex?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "It's illegal." </p><p>"That's not true?" Klaus said. "Wait… do you mean with an adult or with someone your own age?" </p><p>"Both," Five said. "If I have sex with <em> anyone </em>it's a crime." </p><p>"Even if you <em> want </em>to?" Klaus said. "And the other person also wants to?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em>Five said. </p><p>"Okay, okay," Klaus said. "But… do you think sex is a crime? Just… for everyone?" </p><p>"Dumbass," Five said. <em> "You </em>have sex all the time with all sorts of strangers." </p><p>"True," Klaus said. "So… do you think I'm committing crimes?" </p><p>"I'm not a homophobe," Five said.</p><p>"That's not what I said," Klaus said. "I know you love and support my life choices. You said you would give me your blessings if I married a dude, remember?" </p><p>"Exactly," Five said. "Because I'm not a homophobe." </p><p>"Thanks," Klaus said. "But… real talk? I think you got mixed up." </p><p>Five scowled. "No, I <em> didn't."  </em></p><p>"You're allowed to have sex," Klaus said. "Obviously, you shouldn't aim for a home run right out of the gate, but I don't want you to be afraid to date? Or to kiss a girl or to try and-" </p><p>"Goddammit," Five said. "Kissing isn't the same as sex!" </p><p>"Good!" Klaus said. "You're absolutely right!" </p><p>"The fuck is wrong with you?" Five said. "Why are you being so weird?" </p><p>"I just want to make sure we're all using the word 'rape' the right way," Klaus said. "Because Mom is afraid of that word." </p><p>"Ugh," Five said. "I'm using it in the legal way this time." </p><p>"Okay," Klaus said. "So you're saying… sex is illegal… but only for you?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em>Five said. </p><p>"Alright," Klaus said. "But… why?" </p><p>"I'm a minor," Five said. <em> "Duh."  </em></p><p>"Oh shit!" Klaus said. "You totally are! Oh my god." </p><p>"Imbecile," Five said. "The law clearly states that if an American citizen loses his or her virginity before their eighteenth birthday… that it, like, it's legally considered rape." </p><p>"Mind blown!" Klaus said. "I had no idea!" </p><p>"Dumb bitch," Five said. "Go to college or something. You need a teacher." </p><p>"Damn," Klaus said. "Roasted." </p><p>"This is painful," Five said. "Can I have a vacation?" </p><p>"A vacation?" Klaus said. </p><p>"It's like recess," Five said. "But longer." </p><p>"I see said the blind man," Klaus said. </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "Disappearing." </p><p>Klaus saluted. "Godspeed, sir!" </p><p>Five teleported. </p><p>As soon as he was gone, Klaus broke down. </p><p>Hysterical laughter part two. </p><p>Because he was so fucking relieved. He was <em>so</em> relieved, he couldn't stop fucking laughing. </p><p>It was the crying kind of laughter. The messiest type. But the stupid therapist said it wasn't a bad thing, so Klaus just allowed himself to explode. </p><p><em> It's a healthy way to release tension, </em> the therapist had said. <em> You shouldn't bottle it up.  </em></p><p>Luckily, Klaus finished laughing before everyone else got home. </p><p>Then he had an official family meeting with Diego and Luther. </p><p>And then, with all the misunderstandings cleared up, the problem was considered solved. Mission successful. They could finally relax and return to defcon one.</p><p>"Thank you," Luther said. "For everything. You're the only one who can handle stuff like this." </p><p>Klaus smirked. "I'm the <em> best </em>brother." </p><p>"The best and the smartest," Luther agreed. "I mean that." </p><p>"Me too," Diego said. "I uh… I agree with Luther." </p><p>Klaus straightened up proudly. "Thank you, sirs!" </p><p>Luther chuckled. "I think we're finally getting the hang of this." </p><p>"The hang of what?" Diego said. "Family drama for dummies?" </p><p>"Adulting?" Klaus said. </p><p>"No," Luther said. "Parenthood." </p><p>"Gross," Diego said. "We're <em> not </em> parents." </p><p>"We're uncles," Klaus said. "Just a bunch of uncles." </p><p>"Either way," Luther said. "I'm glad I have you both with me. As, um, as co-uncles." </p><p>"Damn," Diego said. "Don't get soft on me." </p><p>"You can get soft on <em> me," </em>Klaus said. "That was so fucking cute, Luther. Good job!" </p><p>Luther laughed.</p><p>"Well anyway," Klaus said. "I'm officially giving myself a vacation." </p><p>"Oh yeah?" Diego said. "Have fun, I guess." </p><p>"I <em>will," </em>Klaus said. "You two are in charge while I'm goofing off, got it?" </p><p>"Wait," Diego said. "I owe you a hug." </p><p>Klaus beamed. "Correctamundo!"</p><p>With adorable awkwardness, Diego went for one of those side hugs. Klaus turned it into a proper hug, giggling, but kept it short. </p><p>"Thank you," Klaus said. "You're a gracious man." </p><p>Diego shrugged and avoided eye contact. </p><p>"Pleasure doing business with you all," Klaus said. "I'm going for real now. I need a Tinder binge." </p><p>Luther saluted and Klaus smirked, then walked off with all the confidence of a man who'd just won a presidential election. </p><p>It felt <em>good.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I realize I've been all over the place with this series. Pardon me. I hope I'm not confusing everyone? But I recognize that I probably am. Hmm.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>